guilt

I’ve come to realize that my body and mind dont know the difference between guilt and obligation. I mean, I shouldnt feel guilty abt wanting to move to Nevada instead of Hawaii. Its cheaper, the weather is warm and dry, its close to California bt nt so close that my mom could jst pop on over. They have medical MJ there (legal), I can afford to be myself, live the way I want without others judging me. I’m close to vegas so I could always find a job, If I go to get a Masters, the universities are close and there is a military base (at least in the state) so I could still suffice my maintained military comfort zone. Hawaii is riddled with bad feelings, zibes and hella expensive I mean like totally not worth the price to eat there, much less mover everything there. I’d be crazy. Like seriously crazy.

BUT….

my mind says, that I should go because I made the choice to move there when I had her ask about moving into a bigger place. So now I’m obligated to move no matter how many hoops i have to jump through, I said that I would so now I have to. But she couldnt do that plus, she’d have to move all her sh*t all over again, plus It’d cost me $1200. Um then want me to live in a sh*tty place jst bc I want to live near the beach? I can figure out how to live w/tht. I mean, I dont live near water now. As a purely finacial choice, its suicide. Its the sentimental in me tht doesnt care the cost. I mean rent w/ bare amenities $1100- $3300 vs. $600-$900 for a month? duh, then throw in tht they have furnished lofts, open space and understands the rm to bthrm ratio (HI doesnt at all.) and suddently I’m exited to move.

I feel like if she is a real friend then she’ll understand wanting to live on my own. I mean, I’ve never done it and I have NO IDEA how to run a household. At this stage I can afford to make mistakes and still learn from them. My sentimental nature and reasonable side are constantly fighting each other finding it harder and harder to make simpler and simpler decisions. 

But its time I did whats best

…for me.  

Le Purr, Le Sigh

whispered words, muttered phrases

*I must learn to do this: its so much harder than it should be*

“Cleaning house” means making room for the goodness that is waiting, RIGHT NOW, to come into your life.

At the end of the day, you have to live with the things you invite into your space, and if they aren’t working for you anymore, you have the right to escort them right out. If people frown, or your friends give you a hard time, or your family wishes something else for you, tough nuggets. Its not up to them. We all deserve to be happy, healthy and loved.

You always have a choice.

So choose it fully, and choose it well.

How I wish to be of my own design, to create in my own image. To be the truth of me. Pure. An individual accessible to the will of the universe.

Trust Yourself <3

I just broke up w/ my boyfriend for among many things, how I feel abt myself when we’re together….and I don’t feel anything…..I guess it was the right choice. For once in months, I don’t feel anxious.

I should trust myself more often. So today my life advise is: Trust yourself

Live Everything

icecreamisbetterwithafork:

I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. 

Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. 

And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. 

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Can I?

Oh mind. Where are you? We have a trip to take & I can’t possibly go w/o you. But thts ok, i’ll wait for you little mind, I’ll wait for you.

I want…it all

I know that I want to do things. So many things. I want to move into a space that is my own, completely my own. I want to move to new different place. Some place that I can completely be myself and be in my own skin. I want to walk around and be normal, feeling normal. I want to free my mind, I want to free myself. I dont want to be owned by anyone. I dont want to feel obligated to anyone. I want to make my choices based on what I want out of the situation, not because I dont want to hurt someone’s feelings. I want to LIVE. I want to FEAR things then OVERCOME them. I want to just OVERCOME. I dont want to fear my own voice, not even the one in my head. I just have to learn and figure out what HOW to. I just have to figure out HOW. How do you change your life when there are so many different aspects and people that depend on you? How? How do I just DO and not FEEL so much? Feeling is not bad, I love that I am feeling but I know that the feelings that I feel will make my life hell. I will go around all day for the rest of my life feeling guilty and being unhappy. Unhappiness like happiness is terrible. Its fleeting and life changing. But always hard to recognized. But I want, no, I need it all. I feel like I’m suppressing myself and by doing that I’m slowly dying. I’m a flower and I need the sunlight. I need it to live. And those around me are keeping me in the shadows. I used to feel that the shadows were where I belong, where I was most comfortable but now I see that the pain that I feel is the one I inflict on myself. I act out, I rebel and hope that others will push me away; make the choices for me but that isnt their job. I am my own person and doing thing half-way is no longer acceptable.  

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
MAZE ft Frankie Beverly Joy and Pain StudioVersion

A classic that always gets me w/ its truth. Enjoy. 

WTF, over?